The end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
– T.S. Eliot Little Gidding as referenced in The Journey of Desire

I read this in the book this morning. It spoke to me because this is the very thing that I’m looking for. I have not yet experianced the beauty and the full grace of GOD. How I dream of what it will be like to be completely filled and satisfied by HIM. To be completely restored, to know fully what it means to be blessed by grace…How I long for the day to meet him and be awed by his awesomeness. Aren’t you excited?!

Christmas is upon me and I still don’t have the “Christmas” spirit in my heart. Something is missing and I don’t know what. I thought this answer would come when the day is here but I’m left here wondering what it is all about. Christmas is the fulfillment of a prophesy but how did Christmas become the commercial fiasco that it is today? I don’t get how a fallen world can celebrate something so beautiful and defame it with greed and selfishness.

How many of these “Holiday Christians” believe that Christ came to fulfill God’s wrath and punishment? Do they believe that Christ was sent to take their sins away from them so they may experiance life? Or is this life the way that God intended it and now they are complacent? I’m afraid that I’ll one day be like them. At what point do you see Christmas as a day and nothing else, where it is just a season to get someone a gift because society and tradition tell them to?

When will the world celebrate for what that very baby who’s birthday we disgrace did for us? Does the world even understand this concept? I don’t even understand it! How freeing is it to know that we don’t have to understand it but believe it?!

I BELIEVE!

I started reading this book about a week ago because I realized that there was something missing in my life…something big. I realized that there was nothing on this earth that will satisfy me. No amount of money, no relationship, no wife, no friendship, no amount of kids, no success in my job that will ever fill the emptyness that is in my heart.

So what do I do from here? I know that there is something better, something holier than I can ever imagine. But what do I do until then? How do I continue living knowing that I will never be fully satisified here on earth?

This weekend I came to a solution: do something that I cannot do on my own so that GOD has to deliver me. I’m not sure how and if I’ll stick to this but I’m going to try. I have to. Dispite disappointments, I have to find the life that I’ve been dreaming of. This life was not meant to be. This is not how life is suppose to be. I can’t believe it.