Linus Soh

I need words to help me describe what I’m feeling right now. I need answers that will satisfy the questions that I keep asking. Am I enough? Am I something to fear? Am I a man?

I need a language larger than myself, something that will describe the sense of lose and hopelessness I feel but at the same time joyous and anxiousness.

I need a voice that enables me to scream to my God of how much I’m suffering but also am completely aware that this is for a reason. That there is a purpose…that there is an ear that hears me.

I need you. I need you.
I need you. I need you.
To be here now. To be here now.
To hear me now…

In the roar of your waterfall
In the storm of YOU
May you find me holding on,
May you find me true…

Today has been one of those days where things started to make sense. My depression is starting to lift. It is by no means gone but it’s getting better. I’m starting to enjoy things more. I had my first good day in a few weeks and it’s very encouraging.

I made many big decisions today. I’ve decided to move onto full-time ministry after I graduate. And during this process, I’ve decided to put marriage asside until after I’ve committed myself to the ministry of the church. If God so has it that I am to be married later on in life, I don’t want it to distract me from what I do now. If this is not what God has planned for me, I’m praying that he’ll lead me to a wife but right now, I want to be satisfied in Him and Him only.

I’m tired of waiting.

How can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this?

I don’t want the world to see me alone
I don’t want the world to see me cry
The hurt and the pain that I feel in my heart
And the fact that I’m not gonna try
To wake up from this half hazard dream
And live in this place of reality
In a plane of existance that can only be explained
By the lack and ill sense of abnormality.

This Dream Land is nothing but disappointments
With everything to lose and nothing to gain
With the wool that’s been pulled over my eyes
I feel like I’m living in vein.

I can’t wait for this to be over
I can’t wait for this world to see
They never had it all figured out
They never had a guarantee
That there was only one way to salvation
And that way was only with the broken tree.

I want to feel the sun on my lips
And stand with the waves at my feet
I want wake up and live in the place where I’ll see
That life is not only short but bitter-sweet.

I will never be satisifed here in this Dream Land
With things that were made to break and decompose
Like fine China this world can break in an instant
And smell like my dog’s wet toes.

I have to remember that I’m not living for this Dream Land
That there is a destination not far from here.
This is only the next stop on the track
And the road will get darker than it appears.

The last stop is in your arms
And that’s the Dream Land that I’m living for
I want to be satisfied only there
So help me believe in you, to my very core.

Your Dream Land, my hope.

My destination

It’s snow! This means that my longest day doesn’t have to be! I wonder what I will do today. I’ve been up since 7 AM. Let’s see what I’ve managed to accomplish so far:

1. updated my web site
2. finished my lunch menu script (if you want to be on this mailing list, let me know!)
3. wrote a shell script to update my web site every morning at 6 AM

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I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you lift yourself off of the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like the day never happened
The day never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where you can run to excape from yourself.
Where you gonna go? Where gonna go?
Salvation is here!

This song really hit me this morning. I’ve been struggling with depression these pass couple of weeks. I’m not suicidal but it sucks. If I really understand this song….if I really try to see what God is asking me to do…He’s saying to me, “Mike, I dare you to move. I dare you to move from this place of doubts and inhabitions. I dare you to get up seek the forgiveness that I offer to you. I dare you to live like the day never happened.”

Is that awesome or what?!

Some of you may not know but I won the “Best Ad” for the valentines day valentines. I was going to try again this year but I simply could not afford the ad. There were some good ones in there and it would have been some tough competition. So for all to see, here is my valentine to God:

I love you.
There is no other way to describe it.
Our relationship hasn’t always been easy, but I know it’s been worth it.
Your voice is sweeter than angels and your presence is more graceful than swans.
Your very words bring me to my kness. I could never describe what I have with you except with three words:
I love you.
I love you.

Do you know what love means? Do you know what love really means?

I’m so tired of hearing about failed relationships. I’m so tired of hearing about how some girl go so drunk last night. I’m so tired of hearing about how a guy scored on two girls in one night. I’m so tired of hearing girls complaining about how her boyfriend doesn’t listen and all he wants is sex. I’m so tired of hearing guys complain that his girlfriend always wants to hang out.

I’m so tired of not being satisfied on earth. I’m so tired of living only for the moment and expecting a huge “reward” when I die. I’m so tired life with it’s short comings and it’s disappointments. I’m so tired of waiting. I’m so tired of not finding the answers. I’m tired of sleeping at night and waking up just as tired as I went to sleep.

I’m tired of listening to the same music everyday. I’m tired to walking to class with the same shoes, with the same feet. I’m tired of being a hypocrite. I tired of trying to conform to some standard that I’ll never reach.

I’m tired of reading the same dilbert comics everyday. I’m tired of cutting my nails and showering every morning because it’s socially acceptable. I’m tired of giving a crap about stuff I don’t care about. I’m tired of being expected to know all the answers when I have no clue.

I’m tired. I’m so tired…

I had my first “Voices of Truth” rehearsal on wednesday and this is one of the songs I learned. I love Lifehouse but I never really listened to this song much. After hearing it, I found it to really reflect what I’m feeling:

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe I tried to beat this
When will end, it goes on and on over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know it won’t stop till I step down from this for good…

I didn’t sleep well last night.

You ever have a song that just reflects what you’re heart is saying?

Healer, heal me
Savior, save me
Maker, change me
Lover, love me

‘Cause I’m so tired
of living for
the kind of love that only lasts for a while.
The pain, the shame
It tears me up inside…

That’s it. I’m so tired of living up to some standard. I hate it. I don’t have conditional love from God, but why do I act like I do? Why is it that I think “How can I please God?” when I can’t? There is nothing inside me that will enable me to please God. Absolutely nothing. It’s just me. He delights in me, much how I delight in him.