I’m battling the cold from hell. I’ve been sick since last Thursday and I still have a stuffy nose, a blasted headache, and aching from head to toe.
The good news is that I handed in my paper for my RA class. I thought I wouldn’t be able to. I should have paid attention to the page count though…I missed it by a page.
I’m too sick.
I want to understand what causes the human heart to yearn for more. What is it that keeps us inventing, painting portraits, discovering new insects, naming stars, looking for more, never being satisfied with what we have?
I want to know what allows the human heart to love. What confuses us? What is it that says that I must have love now?
Are we our own instrument of destruction? Do we dig our own graves? Do we allow ourselves to be tantalized by what’s going on inside us that demands attention, that demands intimacy, that we just look for some person to fill a role? That might love us back? That might fulfill all of our desires?
That might never leave?
I want to know.
The SCC haven’t turned on the air conditioner yet so I have all the windows in my apartment open. It really sucks because the pollen is all in my room. I’m sneezing, stuffy, red eyed…everything.
This allergy season sucks bad.
I’ve been reading through Job lately. I think the “traditional” rendering of it is that a guy that God loved allows all sorts of crap to pour on Job because Satan says that people would turn away from God if bad stuff happened.
And I think I render it as Job, a good guy, has bad stuff happen to him who blames God for what’s happening but doesn’t curse him. I think this is more accurate because God really does let Satan get away with doing all this stuff to Job.
Job, being the faithful guy he is, prays and says that he will continue to follow God until he dies. I think this is what makes a great leader. A leader isn’t a person who can tell a group of people what to do. Anyone can do that. A great leader is a person who can take directions and follow them. An outstanding leader is a person who isn’t afraid to go to his bosses and tell them what they think. A leader is a person who can lead his peers.
A leader is a follower.
That’s where it starts.
I have been so on edge this week. I’ve really been wondering what’s going on in my head and in my heart to really not be able to think clearly.
And I think there are a lot of things that are on my mind. I’ve had a couple of rough conversations this week, many of them requiring a lot of emotion and strength. Couple that with my RA discussions and the pressures of my job, I feel like I’m being pulled in many directions.
The biggest thing that’s on my plate is that I may have to take a course during the winter AND summer! So that kind of stinks.
I wonder sometimes why it is that God asks me to walk in the darkness. I wonder why it is that he calls me to be something that I cannot be.
A different kind of human?