Linus Soh

(On Location: Myrtle Beach, SC)

God has been really been speaking to my heart about how I do ministry.  I think the biggest challenge for me has been that if someone doesn’t want to do what I think they should do, I get very disappointed.  And that disappointed gets connected to how the relationship changes.  And if a relationship changes, then I want to protect myself because I don’t want to get hurt.

I was really troubled by this because the effect of this is that I become more legalistic.  And I don’t want to be that guy.  I don’t want to be that kind of person.

As I was praying this morning, I began to wonder, what really does trust mean?  Why does trust require so much?  And I’m not sure why, but I think it has something to do with how our hearts YEARN for closeness.

We are desperate for this!  And we should have that closeness with God, but when we don’t, we look for it in other places.  And I think that’s why trust is so important.

Last night, during our “Guy/Girl” discussions, we talked about the difference between a really good conversation and a feelings that are developed because of that really good conversation.  I think I do a good job guarding my heart so that when I do have those conversations (and I have them quite frequently), that I don’t just keep falling head-over-heals for them.

I remember the first time I made this mistake, how quickly I was drawn in and how quickly my view of that person became so skewed.  I no longer could minister to her because of my feelings for this girl would supersede my commitment to her as a brother in Christ.   To me, that’s the most important thing.  I’m called to look upon my sisters with honor and respect.

But something began to trouble me as I thought about everything we’re talking about…is there something wrong with me?  Do I believe something that’s not true because it seems like everyone I’m talking to takes what we talk about and believes something completely different.  And I wonder, do I have dating wrong?  Do I have a wrong perspective in dating?  Are my standards too high?

I’ve been very comfortable with the fact that I’m single now and I should use it in the best possible way.  (And the fact that no woman has come along that really has shown me that she is as dedicated to her mission in Christ as I have been.)  But perhaps I should change my views.  It seems that so many people here have trouble understanding dating in the contexts of marriage and that I’m the only one that understands it.  Taking into account that isn’t true, I can’t help but wonder, “God, why is my heart so different from others around me?  Why do I have such higher standards?  Are they godly?  Are they of you?  Are they the same standards YOU will use to match me with someone?”

I think I’m beginning to realize the powerful truth: I am meant to marry.

But not just yet.  There is still much work to be done when I have the time and energy to do them.