Linus Soh

I’ve been up since about 3 AM this morning. I can’t seem to fall back asleep so I’ve spent the last hour or so just reading blog after blog…

Ever notice that this is really tedious? That’s why I really love rss.

I really should try to go to sleep…

I bought a new book yesterday. Boy Meets Girl is Joshua Harris’ sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, a book I read like three years ago. I was flipping through it and really found it interesting. Now, I’m not interested in dating right now, but I thought it would be chock-full of information on what dating is suppose to look like.

I had this conversation with a few people a couple of days ago. I don’t think any of us know how to date. Back in middle school, “going out” meant you sat together at lunch. In high school, it mean you could hold hands, go to dances, make out. In college, who knows what it means. It certainly seems to imply that you’re going to have sex eventually.

And I like how C.S. Lewis puts it: The problem isn’t dating. It’s us.

I think we have moved to do what feels good instead of what is good. I think it’s an important distinction because I think what was meant to be and what is are vastly different.

There are so many biblical principles about a subject that is so crucial and so important in the lives of many students…I don’t think we’re well informed. And I think we’re to blame. I think if you were to ask the average, median college student, most of them will say that they learned “how to date” from friends, not from their parents or those who are more knowledgeable. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

And of course, then I run into the problem, “Mike, what makes you qualified to give advice about dating? You haven’t had a relationship in three years!” Well, you’re right. I don’t have it figured out at all and I haven’t put any of this into practice in a committed dating relationship. But I think the principles are the same…just a bigger commitment.

I think we as Christians are called to be as dedicated to our friends as we are to our boyfriends/girlfriends. It disappoints me when I see people betray (and yes, I use this word strongly) their friends to spend time with someone who really has no connection to you except the emotional bond. Am I saying you shouldn’t spend any time with them? Of course not!

But we’re like children who get excited about the newest toy…or like me when I read about the newest technological advancement in Linux. We become infatuated and the new exciting relationship becomes the center of our attention. And with good reason too.

We see this person in a whole new way, wondering what we’ll find out today, how they are doing…I think this is where it starts to go wrong. We then start to wonder what else they can do together. Instead of being defined independently from the relationship, we become dependent to them to find out who we are with them. More and more of our time is committed to the relationship and we lose focus on the purpose. We’re too busy trying to find the good things we love about them that we forget the bad. They are outside our vision!

If I asked the average median college couple what negative qualities they don’t like about their girlfriend/boyfriend, I don’t think they would be able to answer…or give an answer that doesn’t really hit the heart of the issue. I truly believe that you should be able to give at least three things you really do not like about the person. (I could probably give you several about the women in my life.)

The point of doing this is not to challenge the way we love the person…but rather to challenge our view of them. If we continue along the journey where we are blindsided by characteristics that we don’t find appealing, then why should we think marriage will cure this? Personally, I think this is the reason why marriages fail 55% of the time.

We’re all imperfect people. Really, even your wife, husband, fiance, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, neighbor…And because of that, we all need grace.

The question is how much grace are you willing to give, and how much are you willing to live with.

I know I can’t marry a person who doesn’t love dogs. Thanks to Lydia, I’m determined to find a wife who will let me play Halo.

But what I look forward to most is finding ways that I can serve her. The point of a relationship isn’t to just be with someone…it’s to serve them like you would any other person. The only thing that changes is commitment.

I hope that when I date, I can apply all of the things I’ve learned so far. I hope that I, too, would be able to follow my own advice. Lord knows that I don’t do that now.

My biggest fear is that no woman would date me because of this. Because my views on dating are so different from what you see around you (and would even argue some Christian couples), women will find that they will have to jump over many hurdles to date me.

But I stand by my convictions. I don’t believe my standards are too high. I believe these are God’s. And I refuse to date someone who doesn’t want the same.