Linus Soh

I’ve been on an unexpected vacation since this past weekend. Since then, I have spent most of my time taking a step back and reflecting on the last couple of years of ministry. And I couldn’t help reminding myself of one of my favorite quotes: “If you think back, and replay your year – if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.” Now, I must ask, were the years wasted?

What has become surprisingly clear over the past couple of weeks is how much of an impact I have on people’s lives. From my friends to people I’ve meet off the street, I’ve touched lives far more than I’ll ever realize.

Then there are those moments of immense pressure, to witness someone make the walk toward oblivion, knowingly, and choosing to walk toward an inevitable end. Being the sign on the road, or worse, being the friend in the car, screaming at the top of your lungs until you have no other choice but to roll out of the car before it careens off a cliff.

In my last semester, I took Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships where I learned that people must have at least three positive experiences to outweigh the negative ones. I wonder if the same applies in relationship types.

As I contemplate taking a three-month sabatical, I find myself wondering what God is doing in my heart right now. Why do I feel so unstable and unable to cope? Why do I have a difficult time letting people go?

The only conclusion I have come up with…the one that makes sense…is that I care too much. And I believe it’s unhealthy. I think I am taking on a responsibility that is too great. Caring and loving in general is not a bad thing. But when I start taking on burdons that aren’t mine in hopes of solving them, then I’ve only increased my load.

I’ve also begun to think about what I would do with my sabatical. I’ve begun imagining posibilities that I didn’t consider before. Taking an extended vacation somewhere in the south. Maybe hike the Shenandoah mountains.

I’m unsure how to use this time now given to me. I’m hoping that whatever I do, I’ll get the healing that I desperately need. And most importantly, that God will touch my heart and remind me that I am his.

I’ve spent the last 48 hours completely anxious and unsure how to go on. While I’ve been cured of my cough, every doctor has now come to the conclusion that my cough is stress related. However, this weekend show what lengths my body will go to show me that I’m not taking care of it well.

After a rough meeting on Friday, I found it necessary to seek some professional help for the anxiety that I was facing. What made things difficult was my inability to think clearly and rationally. While I am now at a place to process the event, I still am faced with the inability effectively arrive at an appropriate response.

What hurts the most is the fact that I there are not many places I can go to really talk about this stuff. What pains me is how I feel like very few people understand the emotional trauma that I’m facing. What I most regret is how I treated a friend.

With reluctance, I must face this emotional challenge. I must face the fact that I will probably be hurt even more than I am now, I may lose more friends, and I may, regrettably, face another difficult decision.

As I was praying this weekend, I feel like God remind me of what this world could never take away: my love for him. The only person that could take it away is me.

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

Why does my heart hurt so much?

Wow, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks! Last Saturday, a bunch of us went out to help adapt-a-crag and help clean up Great Falls Park, VA. Even though it was a little drizzly, we had tons of fun. You can check my pictures or the “official” Adopt-a-crag pictures.

I ended up staying at the park to climb my first outdoor wall, which was simply AMAZING! It’s so different that climbing a gym by far! You don’t necessarily have a trail to follow so it’s a little easier. It’s a little harder because you don’t have a trail to follow either.

Below is a short video of some of the crazy people at adopt-a-crag attempting to dance.: