One year later
It’s been about a year since my panic attack back in 2006. A lot have things have changed, a few things stayed the same. But I think the biggest difference is just where my life is now and what has brought me here.
One year ago, I was working as a missionary with Great Commission Ministries. It was, by far, one of the greatest jobs I’ve had. It taught me about God, life, and why things happen for a reason. And I think the past 12 months have really taught me that God really is watching out for me, even when it seems like there’s nothing but the never ending darkness.
After my panic attack, I spiraled into a deep depression. While I wasn’t suicidal, I did have suicidal thoughts. It’s sobering to talk about it now because I don’t feel this way anymore. I knew enough about counseling to know that I needed help…a lot of help. When I had my panic attack, I went to the hospital for an emergency evaluation. From there, I was referred to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Because I needed a lot of help, I was seeing my psychologist twice a week for at least three months. Now, most people would think, "Why do you need to see a counselor twice a week? What are you going to talk about?" You’d be surprised how much comes out in an hour, let alone two.As the year went on, I began to understand what happened to my body, mind, and soul. I began to uncover the scars that have been left by others, the loneliness I felt of not being cared about, and even the doubts I had in myself. What’s more is that I began to discover where those feelings were coming from and attacking their roots. See, I’m a firm believer that all emotions, especially negative ones, are often rooted in a past experience that we’ve never come to terms with. And I believe that our life events are far more connected than we actually see. But because we often don’t see things beyond the surface, we miss out on the lessons that God is trying to teach us.
That lesson for me was to know that there is peace at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes, we just don’t know how long the tunnel is.
As time went on, I started going to my psychologist less and less. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because things were improving and I wasn’t having a lot of negative thoughts. Yesterday, I had my last session. While we talked a little about what has changed in my life, at the end, it came down to looking forward to what’s ahead.
A great job, a new house, new friends, and a new life.
If there was one thing I would advise people is to do whatever it takes to get to the end of the tunnel. For me, it meant moving to a new area, going to a new church, finding a new job, making less money for a while, and even spending more time and money in going to see a counselor. Friends, it was worth it. If you or someone you know is depressed, get help. You might be able to do it on your own. But it really helps to have other people, especially professionals, involved. And do whatever it takes. Seriously. If it means taking a second job so you can afford your medication, or giving up something so that you can see a counselor, do it. Because when you get to the end, you’ll look back and see the pain you left behind. And there’s no better feeling than knowing that you made it happen because you cared enough about yourself to make it happen.
Life is going to hurt you. That’s a fact. The only thing that you and I can do is to react to it in the best way possible. And sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.