I can’t believe it’s 10:00 PM and I am still not ready to go to sleep…and I really need to because I have four appointments tomorrow. My day will start at 9:00 PM and won’t end until 10 PM tomorrow.

So much is going on right now that I’m just dizzy from everything that’s going on.

Tonight, I let my work responsibilities go and had a really good, long conversation with Jim. We haven’t had one in a really long time…and it was about time we did.

We bared our souls. It was really cool just to hear him speak about different issues stuff that’s just going around our church. A lot of rumors…

And I have to admit, I’m not finding a lot of solace in God’s word. I’m finding myself really angry. I just spent the last hour just praying with Jim and then Jeff and just DEMANDING God to show himself in this situation.

And all I got was silence.

And then the picture I got was that this is the cross.

Jesus bore it all…Jesus let it go.

I can’t help but be sad. I can’t help BUT be angry.

When I get home, people’ll ask me, “Hey Hoot, why do ya do it man? Why? Just some war junkie?” Ya know what I’ll say? I won’t say a word. Why? They won’t understand. They won’t understand why we do it. They won’t understand that it’s about the men next to you, and that’s it. That’s all it is.”

While I’ve been support-raising, I’ve been getting asked a similar question: “Mike, why are you doing ministry? Every time you talk about it, you say how hard and challenging it is. You could be out in some fortune-500 company just making tons of money in the computer field.”

My answer: “It’s not about the money. And it’s not about the challenge. I’m naive enough to believe that God is still on this campus. And I’m naive enough to believe that I can make a difference.”

Most people still don’t understand. But I don’t think they can. There is no experience that I have found that even comes close to the intensity, the stress, and even the joys that front-line ministry can bring, and has brought. I’m sure there are many other fields that are just as intense, just as stressful, and just and joyful. I have not found it.

The little ministry experience I have, God has taught me so much. I’ve learned more about myself and God than I have all my life put together. God has taught me about patience in waiting for him. He has taught my how to love someone I cannot stand. God reminds me constantly that it’s not about my journey, but it’s about me.

God is bigger. I got to believe that.

There are many things I don’t like about this quiz. Some of the questions were awfully written. It seems like the person that wrote this is liberal in their thinking, as some of the questions were written “offensively” toward the conservative Christian side. For example: “Liberalism was a disaster for theology because it leads to atheism” is one that I may disagree with, after understanding what the question is “really” asking. I contend that the permissiveness in the culture has created a laissez-faire attitude, where people can do what they want because “it feels true for them” without looking at the consequences.

Feel free to take it. I don’t agree with the results. But, there you go.

It’s been a fairly uneventful day…actually, that’s not true. It’s been very eventful…

So, I’m pretty bored right now, not sure what to do. I’ll probably start working on my e-mail system shortly to pass some time.

But I wanted to write how awesome I think my iPod is. It’s frickin’ sweet. I got one of those iPod photos that has 20GBs. I got an orange (officially “Lava”) skin on it and it looks pretty cool.

The best thing about iPods, the podcasts. Now, I realize that you don’t have to have an iPod to download podcasts, but still…it’s cool. I’m actually thinking about starting a podcast.

We’ll see…okay. Going to work.

I want to believe God is bigger than me. That he is in control, that he has it together.

Because I sure don’t.

I don’t have any control.

I don’t know where to go from here, and it’s hard to say where I’m even at.

But I want to believe that God can bless far more than Satan can harm. I want to believe that God is sovereign. I want to believe that God is near…that God is here.

I want to believe outside of my 15-minutes of faith.

When the world does not make sense to me, it does to God.

Where the lost find hope. Where the lonely find a listening ear.

Where the God is realized for who he really is.

I want to believe.

I’m so excited to see God just pouring out his blessing to me. I had one donor increase her support and I got another person to come on board and join my team. I’m just so blessed! And today, I got a whole bunch of names so I’ll be dialing like crazy this weekend.

All my roommates are going to New York to see Conan O’ Brian tomorrow so I’m left all alone at home…you know what that means?!

PARTY!!!

But seriously…

I’ve really just been really stressed with everything that’s going on in my life now. Support raising has become this huge monster that I keep fighting everyday. I’m really praying that God will finish my support raising soon. I really want to be back to campus. As I was praying today, God put this song in my head:

Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
‘Cause this monster are wasting me away taking my days

Everyday I live a bit less
One night leads to another
Even if I went back they would recognize me
Or criticize me?

Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely.
After all you’re just a piece of glass…

Still I control this nightmare
When I call it answers
But I can’t tell it when to come
Or when to stay

Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass…

Don’t talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for a while
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day

Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we’re not the same, you’re just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave
You’ve lived my life for me
And you’re no more than a piece of glass.

You’re no more than just a piece of glass…

This is such a powerful song for many reasons. But as I began just thinking through the many students that are a part of what of MCF, this is the song that came out. I began to wonder, “How many students are wrestling with being accepted? How many of them are depressed because of the picture they see in the glass?”

You’re just a picture of me…you’re gone as soon as I leave. After all you’re…just a piece of glass…

It has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. I’ve just been on this emotional roller coaster these past few weeks. I got some pretty disappointing news today and it’s really made me depressed.

To the point that I want to cry.

I’m having such a hard time just understanding what’s going on in my heart right now. I think the biggest question I wrestle with is, “Why do I do I do it?”

It has been an off day for me. Since I woke up this morning, I’ve felt off and unbalanced. And even as the day went on, it became very depressing.

There are times that I wonder, “Am I even making a difference? Does it matter?” And I need to remind myself, “That’s not the right question.” The right question is, “Are you doing what God has asked you to do?”

And what kills me, is knowing that I am, and feeling like nothing has changed.

And my world gets more chaotic.

So tonight, I took some time off and took my mind off the world of MCF and GCM and starting planning for my day off this Saturday. And after much thought and prayer, I’ve decided to do some light hiking at Gambrill State Park. I’m planning to leave here Friday afternoon, after an appointment in Ellicott City. I want to camp over-night there and go hiking the next day for the entire day. I want to do each of the hikes AT LEAST once. It will be a long day, but it will be awesome!

I’m really looking forward to getting away. I really need it. It’s been so crazy.

I need a vacation…too bad it’s only a day.

I wish I had a horse…

I paid off one of my credit cards today! Woo-hoo! I have one more credit card to pay off and then all I’ll have are my student loans.

I’m really excited to be on the road to being debt-free. I was praying today about my future marriage and wondering what I would do in certain situations. A few of my friends who are getting married actually took out loans to put on the wedding. I’m not sure if I’m going to do that. I don’t want to go into a marriage in the red.

That lead to wondering whether I should be debt-free before I get married. It seems like if debt is indeed slavery, I would be forcing my wife into slavery if I had debt. I’m not sure if I would be excited about that. My heart is to be debt free before I get married, but who knows when that will be.

I can’t wait until I pay off my other credit card and my student loan. I’m incurring so much expenses just from doing ministry…close to $200 a month!

I highly recommend getting the Crown™ Money Map for those trying to build a strong financial base. I’m using it now and I really like it. It provides an over-view of what to do in your financial journey. I’m doing steps 1 and 2 right now. I think I’m in a slightly different zip code right now than most people. I am slowly paying off my credit cards while I build an emergency savings. I hope to be there by the end of October.